This is all random, but I am live blogging our HOA meeting.
You are live blogging your HOA MEETING, Trace?
YES, I AM. I am indeed!
Well, now that I think about it, it’s more like “relaying dispatches from the field,” or something than live blogging. Eh. Well.
Okay. So our neighbors in our little six-unit townhome complex are freakin’ INSANE. There’s the gay couple next door, Mike and Lee — they’re “Appalachia Gay” so their house is a veritable Wonderland of Junk. And they wonder why isn’t our unit selling? Why? WHY? They keep lowering the price, which definitely doesn’t help the value of our place one tiny bit. Keeps us from refinancing. Not that we need to or anything. I mean, everything’s OKEY DOKEY! So okay. Gay guy Mike doesn’t speak to Unit 4, Miss Lonely Hearts, who is bitter and mean and built like an ant with spindly arms sprouting from a small torso segment and spindly legs sprouting from a large ass segment. She sues the HOA at least once a year. She thinks our reserves are her personal bank account, I guess. So let’s call her Sue, because that is, in fact, her ACTUAL name and I just can’t resist it. So Mike and Sue hate each other. Mike also hates Unit 6. His last fight with Unit 6 prompted Mike AND Lee to have The Hissy Fit to end all hissy fits and put their unit on the market — where it’s been for 8 months because, you remember, it is a veritable Wonderland of Junk.
See how it all makes sense? Then there’s Father Tawny or Father Jibbly, take your pick. He’s Australian, so he’s naturally insane. But insane in that “I’M OBSEEEESSED WITH AUSSIE RULES FOOTBALL” kind of way. Aside from the jibblies, I actually like him. But he doesn’t like Mike — because Mike is always having the hissy fits — or Sue, because, well, of the suing. Unit 1 has renters and they are sane, but have no voice in anything.
So — My Poor Beloved is president of this HOA of the Damned. He hates doing it, because, he says, “It’s like frickin’ Romper Room with these people.” He’s right. He won’t even let me go to the meetings anymore. Last meeting ended with Unit 6 calling on his cellphone, getting mad and calling everyone “a bunch of f***ing girls.”
So THIS meeting was supposed to start at 4, out under The Tree. MB is there, Mike and Lee. Oh, and Sue never shows up to the meetings, unless Mike’s NOT there. Dude pulls up in car. “I’m here on behalf of Father Jibbly. He’s got a flat tire. He’ll be here in a bit.”
Okay.
Then Unit 6 shows up. MB and Mike and Lee say, “Hi, Unit 6.”
“I need a damn shower. I just got home.”
Mike, instantly amped. “Come on. We had a meeting scheduled!”
Unit 6, “Okay. How ’bout you f*** off? I’m not coming!”
So …. I didn’t know this had happened, but I could see everyone as they marched past our window to their units. There goes Unit 6, marching. Mike and Lee, marchy-marchy. Oh, and here’s MB, marching and laughing. He comes in and tells me:
“Well, we just had our first fight.” And he told me what happened. He’d been gone, like, 5 minutes.
“So what have you guys talked about?” I asked.
“NOTHING! The meeting hasn’t even started yet. Lee’s trying to talk to Unit 6. I just wanted some iced coffee for strength. All right. I’m going back.”
He turned to me at the door.
“You should live blog this. They’re all INSANE!” he whispered.
Haha. I just saw Unit 6 stomp past the window with his hair all wet. Guess he decided to show up.
Stay tuned. I’m gonna go eavesdrop.
Film at 11.